Visit Dita on
Directors; Brendan Cowles & Shane Kuhn
Produced By; Carl Levin, etc.
'LIONS GATE Films'
Starring; LEIGHTON MEESTER (TV's; 'The Gossip Girls')
& MORGAN SPURLOCK ('Super Size Me', etc.), etc.
2007 DVD & Streaming on AMAZON-PRIME.'
Hi Kids, It's B-a-a-a-a-a-a-c-c-k-k-k!
Now DITA wuz going to Review the Film; 'THANKS-KILLING', but after watching it, have decided not to recommend that Flaming piece of Turkey-Kaa-Caa, to anyone but take a look at the Trailer to see what I mean, Hon> https://youtu.be/WOjSRoxc6mg
So DITA, decided to still go 'Food-Related', for the
THANKSGIVING-Holiday, and go with the 'Other-White-Meat'; PORK! As in the 'McRIBB!
(Cuz it's Back, again!) As in the Food-related Fright-flick; 'DRIVE-THRU!' In
fact 2022 Marks the '15 Year Anniversary' of this fun, tasty, culty Flick, Hon!
Just in time for the November-'RETURN' of the Fast-Food Sand-witch w/the bizarre
'McRibb!' Yes Dear, I Said 'Cult'-Following! Hmmmmmm? Don't believe
me........then take a look at this, hon, simply by Clicking here;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_j1UtslEWy8Uh , and here for a weird 'Mc Rib'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cyi4x0wwmsk and Click here to see if your
'Addick-ted-2-The McRibb' like DITA;
Also the 'McRibb' wuz of course once a 'Guest-Star' on the Hit Cult-TV Show; 'THE SIMPSONS' with 'HOMER' as it's 'Co-Star', of course. Too see that as well, Click here; ( Only found in Espanol, kids.); https://youtu.be/dONWOKCW-Es Last butt not least the New Commercial for the 'McRibb Farewell-Tour' 2022, Click here mi amigos> https://youtu.be/BRYiIjRNq4E
Now if only McDONALDS could come up with a McTurkey Burger! I know, right? So it is with much fun that DITA ('I'm Lovin' It') DIRT NAP brings you the 'guilty-pleasure' Horror-Flick to coincide w/this Tasty, B-B-Q covered, called; 'DRIVE THRU!!!' To see the Horrifically-fun, tasty Trailer w/pickles and onions that also won the '2008 Trashiest TRAILER Award @ the 'Golden Trailer Awards' simply Click here; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4iIC10-UjM 'DITA's lovin' it!'
This fun/guilty-pleasure fright Flick starts out with some annoying teens w/'Identity-Crisis' going to a Fast-Food 'drive-thru' restaurant called; 'HELLA-BURGER' to order some 'pork' sandwiches. They keep hearing nasty-lewd responses back from the Clown Drive-Thru Speaker. One of the hoodlums, um, I mean Teenagers, gets mad and breaks into the fast-food joint with a baseball-'bat' in hand ready to clobber the said Foul-mouthed Employee. Instead he meets a Killer-Clown with an AXE to grind...........uh, right in his head! 'F.Y.I.' children, his name is; 'HORNY; THE CLOWN!' One of the Tag-Line's Reads; 'FAST FOOD KILLS!” Hmmmmmm?
Reminds DITA of an old Episode of 'BUFFY, THE VAMPIRE SLAYER' (Now on various Streaming-Services.) No foolin'!) The Season where BUFFY wuz forced to take a job in a 'Killer Fast-Food Joint'. Too see 'BUFFY' working the Drive-Thru.....Click here; ( F.Y.I.- It's the 3rdCLIP, for 'Buffy' working in Fast-Food....)>https://youtu.be/yEWyZTs3V3o?t=38 ) One of DITA-Favorite Episodes by-the-way, Dear!
Any-who, this Movie includes various 'nods' to other Horror-Films such as; 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME', 'CARRIE'. 'CHILD'S PLAY', 'IT', and more. After the first Killing, witch wuz 'French-fried' Hood-lum Face', the Lead Character named; Macenzie decides to get out the old 'OUJIA'-Board with her friends to try and contact someone or.........something. Well, guess who it pulls up, my little 'Spider-Bites?' You guessed it, the 'Killer-Clown' from 'HELLA-BURGER!' Once they get tired of the Ouija Board, it starts to spell out a Clue to Macenzie of which of her friends will be the Killer-Clown's next victim by spelling out a license plate of the car her set of friends are murdered in.
The Next Clue is given in her 'Magic-8-Ball' of her 'BFF'. This friend gets it the worst. How you may ask? 'DEATH BY HEAD IN MICROWAVE ON HIGH' while poor Macenzie helplessly watches, then gets chased down by the Killer-Clown, giving out some good horror-movie screamin' in the process! Although she manages to get away to scream another day. She also loses her camera before this event, gets it back to only find out that the Murderous Clown has photographed his victims/her friends just before the moment they die. What a sick bastard! Reminds me of the quote on the back of this DVD Box that says; 'At HELLA-BURGER, it won't be the food that kills you...but you'll wish it had!' Hmmmm? 'KILLER-FOOD', now that hasn't been done yet in a film!
The crazy Drive-Thru Clown Speaker-head continues his carnage next by leaving a message on her 'etch-a-sketch' that cryptically reads; 'I LOVE BUSH'. Did DITA mention that Leighton sings in a band in this movie and gives 'it' up to her boyfriend , cuz with all the killings going on …..she doesn't want to die a virgin? Any-Boo , while working at the School Carnival's FUN HOUSE, dressed as ELVIRA , no less, as an Acquaintance of hers Enters the ride wearing an 'I LOVE BUSH' T-Shirt, tight by the way. As you can guess, she & her boyfriend get hacked inside while on the ride ( Insert Tobe Hooper's Movie; 'FUN HOUSE' reference here kids.) by u know who. Macenzie starts to see a pattern forming of the victims who are being whacked.
The bumbling Detectives assigned to the case, don't even make that connection, babe. By the way, DITA loves the faux-commercials shown in this film for 'HELLA-BURGER' witch are very sexually suggestive! Watch for them, when viewing this fun, Culty Fried Food Flick, my little 'Condiments of Terror'.
Back to Macenzie's theory-connection...............Makenzie notices the Parents of the victims were all friends back in their 'School-Daze' ( An obscure SPIKE LEE Film reference for yoots.) ,especially her own Mother. Hmmmmm? She eventually confronts her own Mother and forces her to spill her guts about how they knew each other (the parents) back in the day. Well it turns out that there wuz a nerdy, socially inept guy in school , they all knew who's Dad owned a certain Burger-Joint and on his Birthday they all decide to pull a prank on him witch led to restaurant catching on fire and , and..............well as you well know by now, DITA never likes to tell the full story.
DITA will say that a certain character in the film has a 18TH B-Day coming up soon and that pay back is a B-I-T-C-H! Now for the last clue about how wuz going to get their come-uppance next, 'HORNY', uses a gumball prize with a little toy clown-head in it with a message inside just saying; SEE YOU AT 4;20.
Now this scene DITA just loves cuz it has Morgan Spurlock from; 'SUPERSIZE ME' in it as the Fast-Food Manager trying to serve a 'Goth-girl' just before her friends, a skater-boarders group called, what else......'4;20' ravaging/water-sporting the ball cage room while she orders from Morgan, just moments before 'Krusty, umm, I mean 'Horny'-The Clown makes his final kill. It's better to show you, than to tell you the details. So just Click here to see DITA's Favorite scene of comedy/murderous mayhem; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3t7_KWqwjKg
Now DITA will stop right here so not to reveal too much, but will now give you the 'EXTRA'S' on this 2 Parts Horror, 2 Parts Comedy Flick as follows;
+English & Spanish Subtitles
+ English Closed Captions
+'After Dark Horror-Fest TRAILERS witch include; 'THE SHADOW WALKERS', 'CURSE OF THE ZODIAC', 'DIARY OF A CANNIBAL', 'BENEATH STILL WATERS', 'TV's; 'THE LOST ROOM' (From; 'SYFY'-Channel)
DITA loved this Cult-Horror guilty pleasure and gives it 3
Skulls Out Of 3. A Perfect Score! Get yours 2-nite and dig the ultra-cool 'Gothy-Soundtrack'
as well, by Clicking on the 'DVD-Icon' of 'DRIVE THRU' next to Dear Old' DITA's
Review now or simply
Stream it on 'Amazon-Prime!'
This movie has the right blend of Horror Movie nods, good storyline, pacing and humor to past the Mustard w/this 'Ghoul-Gal!' L-O-V-E IT!!!
DITA has also taken the liberty of Super-sizing my Review with these hysterical 'You-Tube' Links that are all 'DRIVE THRU/FAST FOOD-Related'.
First we have a 'MAD TV' Clip w/the infamous Miss Swan trying to Order at a Drive-Thru; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yNX-GfA4A7o
Then Comedian STEPHANIE HODGE's Comedy-Bit about ordering at 'McDONALD's like MARILYN MONROE;( Her Marilyn At McDonalds Bit' starts at the 3;14 Mark,) > https://youtu.be/o2qOwo-UIbs?t=153
Now DAVID LETTERMAN at the 'DRIVE-THRU'....very Funny-Stuff, hon> https://youtu.be/PO5VeTbi7QI
Last butt not least the Classy-Dudes; 'BEAVIS AND BUTT HEAD' at a 'Drive-Thru'; https://youtu.be/OQUaguZawJQ
Now for DITA's Mini-Review of a Kinda/Sorta THANKSGIVING-Themed Cult Flick from; SOMETHING WEIRD VIDEO called; 'BLOOD FREAK'. Which by the way involves of Half Turkey-Half Man Monster killing drug-addicts to drink their Drug-Infested Blood. Take a Look at the Cult-tastic Trailer by Clicking here, Hon> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B4RMDQxJSAE
Make no mistake, this Turkey-Horror is so bad is good.......uh, and funny in a not meant to be way! Here's the Storyline in quick 'Turkey-carcass Nutshell'; Hot Muscular Biker Dude offers a groovy-chick with a Flat tire a ride home. He then winds up at a 'Drug-Party', with/'her sister'. Then on to her Father's 'Turkey-Farm!' Her Father happens to be a 'Mad-Scientist', of course. Ooooooh, the plot thickens, my Little 'Mashed-Blood Potae-toes & Stuffing's!'
The Mad Doc' turns the Biker-dude w/the beautiful biceps into a half-man, half turkey Monster. Why you may ask? To kill off those pesky drug dealers and druggies, silly! Long story short, the 'Turkey-Monster' goes around killing druggies 'animal-slaughter house style' cuz he needs the drug-infested blood to.........to..........Oh, I forget why! Who cares, it's funny, butt definitely not meant to be, which in turn makes it even more funny & more weird! Which is what you expect from one of DITA's Favorite Video Companies, 'SOMETHING WEIRD', 'Special Edition', with cool 'EXTRA's' included of course. DITA liked this Movie perfect for a 'Something Weird' Thanksgiving this coming next week! DITA gives it 2 1/2 SKULLS Out Of 3.
'F.Y.I.- DITA will Review this 'Guilty-pleasure Druggie Turkey-Monster' Fright Flick next Thanksgiving 2023, in full detail. Why cuz it's just that much fun!
As my little 'Gothic-Family' finish the knawing, gobbling & puncturing their Thanksgiving Feast, may I suggest you Click on the 'DVD-Icon' of 'BLOOD FREAK' to get your own Cult-Horror Copy 2-Nite, located next to DITA's Review or Stream it on 'TUBI-TV.' (DITA LIKE-Y!!!)
DITA wood like to thank you all for Celebrating my 57th BLOODY-BIRTHDAY last
week again here in 'DITA's DEN' this year and wishes you all a 'HAPPY HAUNTINGLY
MEMORABLE THANKSGIVING' w/your own Family! As 'B.J.' & I clear our now messy
Dinning-Room Table and try to get our 'beautiful-nightmare' Dog;
'CHILLING-CHINA' to stop snorting down her dessert like the 'Demon-Pig' w/Red
Eyes from 'THE AMITYVILLE HORROR', Uh, The Original w/Margot Kidder, Hon!
I leave you with a Clip from DITA's Favorite Thanksgiving Holiday Special Now Streaming on APPLE TV & 'Amazon-Prime' of; 'A CHARLIE BROWN THANKSGIVING', Click Here, Dear> https://youtu.be/opN9NxqVCMM
P.S. Contact DITA DIRT NAP at; DDN1965@LIVE.COM
Until Next Week, I give you 'Surgical-Mask Kisses',
DITA ('THE THANKSGIVING SONG') DIRT NAP
(To see that Fun-Song, Sung by ADAM SANDLER; 'THE THANKSGIVING SONG', Simply Click here, Babe> http://youtu.be/KhasEcwXaug)
p.p.s My Producer/Creator; Darell wants you to know a Serious Show he did about the real Horrors of dealing w/Cancer w/the 'RONALD McDONALD HOUSE' Entitled; 'Darell Erazo Presents; 'Ronald McDonald House Of L.A. ,Aired on 'WEHO-TV'. Please watch & Learn about the great, caring Services these House provide to Family's going thru this difficult disease with a loved one and learn about 'CAMP RONALD McDONALD' as well as how to become a Volunteer! Thank you ever so!!!' https://rmhc.org/
p.p.p.s. DITA would like to Wish everyone a 'HAPPY THANKS-KILLING', Um, I mean a 'HAPPY HAUNTED THANKSGIVING!!!' DITA always loves a good Turkey stuffed w/White-Castle Sliders w/extra onions, Dear! Stay Safe & Healthy this Thanksgiving Holiday, Hon!
Also a We Both Wish our Good Fiend; 'RENFIELD a Very Happy Haunted Thanksgiving this year and you are joining us this Thanksgiving to eat-out and feast at whatever cafe has the shortest waiting-line, this Holiday Season! Thanks, XOXO, Ren!
As usual web-surf these sites approved by your 'Better Bone-Bitch Council';
https://rmhc.org/ Ronald McDonald House
www.mymoviemonsters.com (For SCARY MONSTER MAGAZINE! A Longtime DITA-Fave!)
www.thenewbev.com (Renfield & DITA may be there on 11/26/22 for their Russ Meyers Flick called; 'BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS.')
www.radiohalloween.com (Year Round Halloween Music and More!)
www.elvira.com (Check out her NEW XMAS-MERCH for 2022 on her site already! DITA LIKE-Y!)
www.shockcinemamagazine.com (DITA Like-y!)
www.shoutfactory.com (Elvira & Pee Herman Show on DVD and 'MSTK', Roger Corman DVD's and lots, lots more great stuff!!)
www.lempmansion.com (DITA's Hometown Real Haunted House & restaurant!!! They also provide 'GHOST-HUNTING' Expeditions too and a Lovely Thanksgiving Spread!!!)
www.facebook.com/DJDugGraves Tune into DUG GRAVES HORROR RADIO SHOW Every Friday Night, Hon! DITA LIKE-Y!)
'HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME'
Columbia Pictures Presents;
A 'J. Lee Thompson' Film
Produced By; John Dunning & Andre' Link
Directed By' J. Lee Thompson
The Birthday Film Company Inc.
Starring; Melissa Sue Anderson
Glen Ford, Lawrence Dane Sharon Acker,
Francis Hyland, Tracy Bregman & Lisa Langlois.
1980 DVD & Now Streaming on 'Amazon-Prime'
'Your invited to the bloodiest party of the year', .............uh, mine!!! Welcome to DITA DIRT NAP's, 'HORROR/CULT BIRTHDAY BASH', here in 'The Creature Feature Horror Den'!!!' Yes another year older '57', and yet another year none the wiser! LOL!
Thanks for attending dear old' DITA's Birthday Party here at CountGore.com I'm sure it'll be a 'SCREAM'! Click here for the Culty-cool Trailer of; 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME', Hon> http://youtu.be/OEalmOJsvM0 Starring, MELISSA SUE ANDERSON of 'LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE' Fame (now airing on 'THE HALLMARK-CHANNEL') and Glenn Ford, also Soap Opera Star (at the time; 'The Young & The Restless') Tracy Bregman!
DITA is assuming the year this movie was being made the Actress,
Melissa Sue Anderson had probably taken this role in a campy Horror Flick to try
and move away from her 'goody-goody prairie gal' image cultivated on television,
playing Mary Ingalls. I think you achieved your goal, hon! Any-Boo, the
storyline is cheesy-good and starts out with her character, Virginia surviving a
freak car-accident, that kills her mother and leaves her with memory loss and
traumatic black-outs. 'BLACK-OUTS!' Wasn't that the name of a Britney Spears
Album? (Brit turns 41 next month btw.) Hmmmmmmm???
Sounds like Britney's 'come back' remake/vehicle has arrived in Horror Movie form. I'm just sayin'!!! Is this not the 'ONLY' Horror-Film, that hasn't been remade yet? DITA lives in Hollyweird, kids.......and I can tell you 'Original-Ideas' are not, shall we say............abundant! Just my Two cents cuz that's about what it's worth, my 'little demented party-hats'!!!
This is a fun little 80's Horror Film that albeit some-what slow paced, reminded DITA of what early slasher-flicks were like. It also made me long for those days again. To explain the rest of the storyline in a 'cake & ice cream' nutshell, if you will. She struggles to resume a some-what normal life, suddenly her group of school friends, who like to 'hang' & 'chill' a lot are being murdered 'one by one.' Which includes a standard horror movie 'throat-slash' and DITA's favorite, 'death by shish-ka-bob' shoved to the back of the throat!' Can you say, ooooooouch!!! Will 'Mary Ingalls', uh, I mean, Virgin-ia, be next.............or is she the killer??? By the way, is DITA the only one to notice that the first chunk of her characters name spells 'VIRGIN'??? Hmmmmmm???
This 'BIRTHDAY-HORROR Flick has most everything DITA loves,
which includes cheesy 80's Music, a mandatory horror film shower scene, a
peeping Tom, cool death scenes, flash-backs, (a plus and crucial to the plots,
notice I said plots, with an S.), a nice even cup of bad-acting, graveyard scene
and a teenage-girl with 'Daddy-Issues' and lastly a bad case of 'post traumatic
stress'!!! Love it!!!
Another thing that un-wraps (like a Birthday gift, hint, hint, 'B.J.'!) nicely in this film is towards the cool, fun, culty 'reveal scene' near the end. Which of course includes different reveals leading you to believe one thing, and just as you do, they reveal the reveal!
DITA will not reveal the surprise 'twists' that come well-paced
at the end of the movie, cuz I highly recommend clicking on the 'DVD Icon' next
to my special 'Birthday-Review' to find out for yourself or Stream it now on
'AMAZON-PRIME', and because you know DITA hardly ever likes to tell the whole
Story, especially in this case! Kudos, to the Director for this impressive
'twist-reveal, twist, reveal' leaves you 'scratching-your-head' finale, that
Now on a slightly sad note......... there are no 'cool extras' on this no frills disc but there definitely should have been! With a cool retro-80's Horror Film like this, it would have been nice! Perhaps on a future Anniversary Edition???
+Only Subtitles in English, Spanish & Japanese.
+ And some old 90's Horror Film Trailers maybe some from the Millennium.
Now as usual here are DITA's; 'Things To Look For' List;
* Watch for cool first foggy, graveyard scene, Set-dressed effectively. (I just love graveyards, which is to be expected considering I live in one, part of the year, summers in our Beach front Place in 'Mali-boo', dah-lings.)
*Shower-scene, complete with car-accident 'flash-backs'.
*Flash back scenes in general, which are liked by DITA in this movie and also help to fill plot-lines but more importantly include great campy over-dramatic acting by Virgin-ia's Mother to let you know that her mother was carrying the 'crazy' gene! (Loved it, love it, love it!)
* Scene they put in at the time to let you know that 'Mary Ingalls' was all-grown up now, as follows; shower scene, taking blouse off in her bedroom to reveal her.......bra! You wouldn't have seen that in 'Walnut Grove'!!! Last but not least her character supposedly stabbing a friend in the grave yard and allegedly whacking, slicing and bludgeoning everyone to death. Oh, and uh, making out with another friends boyfriend by the cozy fire place!!! They should have called the High School she went to 'SATAN SCHOOLS FOR SLUTS'! Didn't Count Gore Host that one before? Hmmmm?
Derek; 'The Vamperic Announcer' Interrupts, briefly; Isn't that where you went ,'Birthday-Girl'???
DITA responds; 'NO COMMENT!'
* All scenes where she blacks out, you see hain-ous murders committed on her friends and such, she wakes up and can't remember anything, how convenient!!!
* Flash back scene where it is revealed that she and her mother died by trying to cross an electronic bridge that was opening as their car got stuck in the middle causing them to fall to the water below.
Virginia escaped by swimming out the broken car window, like her mother told her to because her mother was pinned in around the column.
* Funny cheesy, dorky, dance moves at the school dance. (DITA has 2 words....no rhythm!!!)
* Last 'grue-some 'birthday party scene at the end where there ends up being only one actual live friend attending, not to mention her 'shrink'. DITA said not to mention him, silly! Someone has propped up all of her recently murdered friends, along with her mother's dug-up corpse, insert clue word here; 'mistress', and comes in with a lit birthday cake for her morbid 18th B-Day Party! You know to 'serve' to her dead guests! DITA thinks Martha Stewart would consider it, only polite! Even daddy made good on his, 'PROMISES, PROMISES' (Mansfield Cult-Comedy ref.) to be there for his little girl's 'special day'???
*Last scene where 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME' is sang very creepily.........for the first time by the guest of honor? Last hint kids; 'PLAY IT AGAIN SAM!' Hmmmmm??? Wow! That's a lot of 'plot-twist'!!! Nice job!!!
DITA gives this some-what forgotten holiday/birthday, fright-flick 2 and 1/2 Skulls ,almost a 3 Skulls Score. A point was taken off for pacing but REGARDLESS, DITA highly recommends for your next 'B-Day Party', or should I say 'D-Day Party', hopefully on a dark & stormy night, with lots of blood-red balloons and a........'KNIFE'!!! Ah, to cut the cake with! What else, SILLY!!!
DITA wants to thank all for coming to my 'HORROR/CULT BIRTHDAY-BASH', only here in 'DITA's- DEN' on 'Creature Feature'!!! 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, HAPPY BIRTHDAY Dear DITA............I look like a corpse..........and I smell like one too!!! 'TEE-HEE!'
My actual 57th Birthday is on Friday November 18th, Hon! DITA's only 'Birthday-Wish' is that you check out my favorite 'Birthday-Themed', Animated Short, Starring; DITA's FAVORITE 'CULT-TOON' Character, Mss. BETTY BOOP, in 'BETTY BOOP'S BIRTHDAY PARTY', now playing Here> https://youtu.be/nj5urVMsV8E
ROSE MCGOWAN AS BETTY BOOP on 'Funny Or Die!' >
By the way, a big 'howdy' to my Special 'Dan-Fan' & as always my 'b.f.f.-in horror' 'RENFIELD' here in L.A., CA.
A Special 'Booster' Chainsaw-Kisses w/Birthday-Cake Frosting, DITA ('HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MR. PRESIDENT' Remixed-Trippy House Music-Style') DIRT NAP (Click here to hear that REMIXED House-Music style from; Marilyn Monroe, from ;MARILYN-REMIXED CD> https://youtu.be/lrvMx2HGaOY )
P.S. Click here to see the Infamous Death-Scenes from;' HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME' > https://youtu.be/HrX0Zmxy6Aw
Dita's Favorite Links (This week!);
www.somethingweird.com (Hexcallent Choice of Cult-Flicks, Hon!)
www.radiohalloween.com Radio Halloween plays best Halloween music and stories all day, all night, & all year!
www.jewishlivesmatter.com Jewish Lives Matter — Compassionate Support for Jewish Lives, Jewish culture is a rich and diverse heritage that spans many countries.
www.shoutfactory.com (Great DVD Selection says; DITA!)
www.electricduskdrivein.com (DITA LIKE-Y!)
www.facebook.com/DJDugGraves (Tune In Every Friday Night to DUG GRAVES RADIO HORROR SHOW! DITA LIKE-Y!)
‘TALES THAT WITNESS MADNESS’
Amicus Films/ Eye Studios
Directed By; Freddie Francis
Starring; JOAN COLLINS ("The Devil Within Her', etc.), DONALD PLEASANCE ('Halloween'), KIM NOVAK ('Bell, Book & Candle'),
An AMICUS-Film which DITA loves this British Film Company!
1973 DVD & Now Streaming on 'Amazon-Prime!'
Greetings my Little ‘Alexis-Lover’s’ & Coffin-Creepers alike! Tis I ,DITA DIRT NAP! Back again with a fun/campy & this time bizarre Joan Collins Fright Flick! A ‘CAT-FIGHT’-Queen/Dame if you will.
Did you also know Miss Collins in her early British 'Sex-Pot' days starred with one of DITA’s Favorite Cult-Queens, Miss JAYNE MANSFIELD. I believe the year was 1959 and film was the most excellent; John Steinbeck Film adaptation of; ’THE WAYWARD BUS!’ In that one Joan was at her serious Actress Best playing a sluttish alcoholic Bus Stop Café Owner & Jayne Mansfield played at her best a Pin-Up Model trying best to hide her profession from the other passengers, Hon!
You see DITA was going to review Episode 2 of 'THE LAST DRIVE-IN' w/phenomenal Host Joe Bob Briggs Hosting 'POPCORN' the horror flick. Dear old Dita decided 'not' to after watching the entire film which btw had a great cast including Dee Wallace Stone 'but' I can quickly some the film up in a nutshell. The film had a great premise and was good from start to middle but then start to fall apart near the end and the film quickly annoyed cranky old DITA. So I can tell you Joe Bob did a great job Hosting again for his Episode 2 of his Halloween Special and interviewed the lead actress from it quite delightfully and she was quite entertaining and interesting bit the film as I mentioned fell apart near the end which ruined it for this old tired 'ghoul-gal'.
DITA will tell you Halloween wore me out this year and not in a
good way. Think bored stiff the entire night and broke two of my best pairs of
high-heels! 'Gorilla-Glue', any one? LOL! BTW, Kids Halloween is usually
not the exciting when it sadly falls on a Monday! As Charlie Brown would say;
'UGH!' Here's hoping Halloween-2023 will be better, Hon!!!
Any-Boo, back to this weekends film which as DITA mentioned earlier is quite bizarre even mondo!!! You see ‘TALES THAT WITNESS MADNESS’ is Four Horror-‘Vin-yettes’. Joan’s vignette being almost the most bizarre other than KIM NOVAK’s Tale. DITA will start from the beginning w/the first Tale, but first take a look-see at the Trailer for ’TALES THAT WITNESS MADNESS’ by Clicking here, Dear> https://youtu.be/lcSrvFizsT4 See what I mean, Hon?
Okay, kids, the first tale begins w/Actor; DONALD PLEASANCE (He played the infamous Dr. Loomis in the ‘HALLOWEEN’-Franchise and in Joan Film; ’THE DEVIL WITHIN HER’, etc.) playing a Shrink at a ‘Sike-Lab.' It is thru him that the tales unfold as he tells each patients story to another Sike-Dr. The first tale is that of A boy who tells his parents he has an imaginary Tiger-friend. Well he doesn’t think its imaginary but his parents do and that has his parents, especially the mother worried and a bit annoyed. To make a long story short, he keeps telling his mother that the tiger visits him and he even steals meat-bones for it to eat. The mother tells the father of the boys behavior and finally after, some incidents the parents decide to confront their son and when the do, all hell breaks loose as the Tiger comes into the room, and the boy goes over to his toy piano and begins to play it while his tiger friend rips his shocked parents to shreds! End Scene on Tale 1 of the patient study of Dr. Loomis of I mean of the good Dr. Shinky-dink. LOL!
DITA will now start Tale 2 told once again by Dr. Shrinky-dink/Donald P. This tale is about a couple who gets a shipment of goods/antiques from the Man’s old dead Great-great Uncle, which include an old large-sized photograph of Evil-Unc and a antique bicycle. You know the kind w/one giant wheel in front and two much smaller wheels in back and sets up way-high. Any-way , the Great Nephew is some how is supernaturally forced physically by his Great-Great Uncle photo to raise up in the air and lowered onto the dark-magic bicycle and its wheels begin to turn. As they turn they propel him back in time to another long ago victorian-ish time period in a park where he is now riding the old bicycle as his old-ass uncle.
Again kids, to make a long story short he rides the mega-trike u to his old uncles Albert's long-ago girlfriend and the walk and hold hands in said park and act lovey-dovey till he returns suddenly to his home in the present day. This happens again and again till he comes back and tells his present-day wife his bizarre story of time-travel w/the tricycle to his Unc old gal-pal. The 2nd to last visit the Victorian-Girlfriend tells him she had a dream about him doing something that separates them forever that ends in horror. His present-day wife believes him when he's back in there home safe and sound and tells him to destroy the terror-time-traveling trike before it takes him again.
He starts upstairs for a much-needed nap but as you can guess, the Evil Great Uncle Albert has other tragic plans. The dark-magic starts again w/old Uncle Albert's pic controlling, and the pic even looks around their home w/shifting evil-eyes. Then he is thrown on the trike as his present-day wife tries to get to him to pull him off. Then again as you can guess, his cranky-evil great Uncle Pain-In-The-Ass, quickly shows heavy-handed dislike of her and starts throwing things at her as well as blocking her way to her Hubby. UNCLE-EVIL also starts magically throwing lit-lanterns around the room. First one at his great , great Nephew ,which lands near the terror-trike and starts it on fire w/nephew on it. Then 'Uncle-Evil' throws one at the present-day wife and starts fire around her. Last but not least he starts the wheels on the bike to turn while on fire and dark-magically throws a antique-dagger at his great nephews wife and kills her.
His nephew travels thru time back to the Victorian park albeit on fire mind you rolls straight for his Uncle's Girlfriend and burns up screaming ;’I killed Albert’, ‘I killed Uncle-Albert at the terrified old-world girlfriend’s feet as she screams in out in horror. Now back at the nephews present-day home, the Painting/Picture of Old Evil Great-great Uncle Albert quickly burns up to crisp and the old-fart is truly at last dead-4-good and no longer an evil annoying control ghost-relative. End Tale 2.
Now my little ‘blood-bags’, DITA finally gets to the heart of this fright-flick w/Tale # 3. Witch is of course the weirdest one of all, starring our ‘Horror-Gal’; DAME-JOAN COLLINS!
DITA will start this tale out by stating that Miss Collins has
never looked lovelier than in these scenes and Mistress-Dirt Nap loves her
groovy 70’s clothes, right down to her sexy 70’s lingerie , complete w/big bow
tied at the top of Joan's lovely head of long dark, beautiful hair, Babe!
Joan plays the wife of a weirdo who , just out-of-the-blue develops a fetish for
a particular bizarre/weird looking tree that he finds of course in the woods
nearby and for some odd reason drags into their home and places directly in
their living-room. Joan/Wife-y quickly develops a dislike of the strange
female-like tree and doesn’t take kindly to her Mad/Hubby showering it
w/attention. Too make a long story shorter again, DITA will attempt to quicken
At one point the tree gets jealous of Joan and creepily follows her slowly around the room by moving ever so slightly, and a one point while Joan/Wife-y is playing Martha Stewart Dusting tree follicles off the telly, it gouges her fingers and Joan bleeds. Did DITA mention this odd Tree-bitch also earlier in the film ill-manneredly dripped sap on her good living-room shag-carpet. Oh, the horror!!! Martha Stewart would have just hacked it to pieces, simple for having bad-manners by now, Hon!
Any-who, Joan/Wife-y finally has had enough and takes a sharp weapon/weed-wacker and chops the bloody thing up. Then the Hubby wakes up from a nap and tells Wife-y/Joan to clean it up and at least take it outside. She tries to, but once out in the creepy woods, the jealous-'girl tree' comes back together and slowly begins attacking Joan/Wife-y and even rips her blouse exposing a Joan Collins Pre-Playboy-boob. Then the final bizarre scene!
You see the Mad/Hubby walk up the stairs to their bedroom and says as he used to say to his Wife-y; Who loves me up there, walks into the room , bringing a flower in hand, like he had done before to his sexy-Joanie, pulls back the covers and there in their bed is the weird female-'tree bitch' wearing dead-Joan's sexy 70’s lingerie, and DITA might add that the tree-gal nymphets has now been carved into a female-form kind-of w/tree-boobs, sorta! Too see this mondo-weird scene of the tree seducing Joan's Hubby ,Click here, my little now rotting pumpkins from last week> https://youtu.be/eZg0uUJGm50?t=312 End scene # 3 ,TALE 3!
DITA also wants to mention that is possible another alternate-ending of this part of the film out there that has this Joan/Tale ending w/Joan/Wife-y walking in on her Crazy-Hubby trying to have sex w/the tree-lady-thingy! Just sayin. Ok, btw, way Miss Collins was much more sexy in her 70’s lingerie that ‘tree-hoe!’
Last but not least is the last Terror-Tale of madness that stars; KIM NOVAK, who 'Lady-Dirt Nap' loved in the Alfred Hitchcock flick; ’VERTIGO’ and also in her film where she played a Witch in; ’BELL, BOOK AND CANDLE!’ DITA must mention in this story, Miss Novak plays a rich, mindless, neurotic divorcee with a virgin-teenage daughter. Yet for some reason, maybe to be in character of a neurotic-lady tends to talk w/her hands a lot and makes almost endless over-dramatic sweeping gestures w/them and kind-of has a over-dramatic way of partial-posing in scenes thru-out the story. Not a bad-thing , mind you, as DITA has mentioned before that 'over-acting' is also sometimes ,just as entertaining to me.
So this Tale # 4 starts w/Kim/Neurotic-Gal planning a ‘lou-wow’ party for a man/agent she wants to impress and possible sleep with. She notices quickly that the man and his weird beady-eyed assistant/who happens to be a meat-cutter among other creep-tastic things start too much attention to her lovely young virgin-daughter, that DITA will just refer to as ‘Virgin-Val’. So then, my little royal-‘spider-bites, the Kim/Neurotic-Mother 'Milf-y' is way too trusting of these two men from the get-go. Her daughter tells her in the beginning that she wants to go on a trip w/her friends, but Nueroto-Mom says no.
After the two weirdo-men offer to help 'Mamma-Milf-y' with her Hawaiian-'Lou-Wow' party, by offering to get a short-notice pig and prepare it for the party cuz her Butcher is fresh-out of porky’s, the Sexy-younger Stud-one starts to inappropriately flirt on the 'd.l'. w/Virgin-Velma slash Jail-bait Princess. 'Mamma-Milf-y'/Kim notices and quickly tells her daughter she can go–out w/her friends after all.
Then the morbid plan by the two strange Men start to unfold. First the Younger Stud one tells Daughter he’s falling for her and that she should tell her 'Milf-Mom' she is leaving for her outing w/her friends by lying and saying her uber, umm, DITA means her Taxi has arrived, even though it hasn’t and then go meet him secretly in the overly private pool-house . So they can be alone before actually plans to sneak-off w/her friends all-the-way to France and Studly tells her he’ll meet up w/her there to be alone together away from her Mom’s prying jealous-eyes. Long story short, she falls for it during her Moms Party.
The Stud-guy creep slips a ‘mickey’ in her drink of course, all while Mom’s Party is going strong w/lots of guests hungry for wild-pig meat, so to speak. Then two-dasturdly men go-thru w/their gruesome plan to stab the Virgin-Val after she passes out , in the Cabana-shower after being stabbed as planned.
The older beady-eyed assistant meat-cutter guy then comes in and butcher the young virgin-Val’s Body up like pig-meat wrapped in over-sized leaves and long story finally shorter, serves the meat to Mom’s Party guests and possibly the daughter’s ‘virgin-hoo-haa’ to her own Mother to washed down possibly with a fin ‘key-on-tee!’ Gruesome and yuck-ish even for this horror-lovin’ ,self-proclaimed bone-bitch’s taste. Ewwwh!
After all the tales are told the Dr. Shrinky-dink parades-out all four mental-patients, for the Head Shrink-In-Charge to prove that these horrendous-things really did happen. 'Milfy-Mom' goes into perhaps padded-cell w/her dead-daughters possible sautéed ‘who-ha’, and you see the Joan’s Crazy Hubby reach into his padded-cell to hold his tree-gals hand, um, er branch. As well as the young disturbed boy /complete w/his killer-tiger. Now when the Head Shrink in charge sees this he quickly has men-in-white coats take the Shrinky-Dink Dr, away to the special looney-bin. When he does the Head Shrink turns just in time to be………..???
W-h-a-t??? You know by know that dear old DITA never likes to tell the end of the story.
So quickly get to Clicking on the ‘DVD-Icon’ in my Review to get your very own Copy to find out what happens or simply Stream it tonight on 'Amazon-Prime!' DITA will also say this film is great to have to show at your next years ‘Halloween-Party’ as it is sure-fire ‘crowd-pleaser!’
I , DITA DIRT NAP ,love this film the best out of most of Miss Collins films just for the weird-ness factor alone! DITA loved this fright-flick anthology and gives it my perfect score of 3 Skulls Out of 3 Skulls score, Hon!
Vaccinated with the latest 'Super-Moderna' Booster' Chainsaw-Kisses’,
DITA (‘JUSTIFIED & ANCIENT’) DIRT NAP
(Too see that Music-Video by 90’s-Band;’KLF’, Featuring; TAMMY WYNETTE, Simply Click here, Dear> https://youtu.be/n9vyHWij3NI )
As us usual, check out these DITA-Suggested Sites as follows;
www.facebook.com/JoanCollinsIV (DITA likes this PAGE of Joan's!)
www.facebook.com/DJDugGraves (Tune In Every Friday Night to; 'THE DUG GRAVES HORROR-RADIO SHOW, Hon!)
© D. Dyszel 2021
Dick Dyszel - Voice Actor