Now, it should surprise no one that I hold some very firm opinions regarding this genre we all love, and on most topics, my readers and I would probably be in close agreement. How important George Romero’s original Night of the Living Dead was in transforming the Horror genre from what it had been to what it would become; Sir Alfred Hitchcock’s status as the master of suspense; that M. Night Shyamalan was a one-hit wonder—all are uncontroversial opinions that, I’m certain, are shared by many serious fans of Horror.

    However, the Unimonster wouldn’t be the Unimonster if he didn’t, on occasion, espouse opinions and beliefs that run counter to the general consensus among the Horror community. And I don’t mean simple matters of taste, such as whether Cloverfield was a good movie (it wasn’t) or Rob Zombie is overrated (he is). What I’m referring to are opinions that are so deeply entrenched among Horror fans as to approach the status of dogma, the sacred cows of the genre. So, without further ado, let’s start skewering those divine bovines.

    The Shining is overrated: I understand the affection many people have for this work of Stephen King’s, both as a book and as the film adaptation by Stanley Kubrick. I am the first to agree that Kubrick’s visuals are amazing, as is the film’s setting. And no one can deny the power of Jack Nicholson’s performance as Jack Torrance, or Shelley Duval’s equally remarkable portrayal of Jack’s wife, Wendy Torrance. But is that enough to make this the great movie that so many seem to think it is? I think not.

`In total honesty, I can’t say that the book the film is based on is Stephen King’s best work, or even in his top five—at least, not my top five. I find it overly long and drawn-out, almost tedious in parts. And King’s books are notoriously difficult to adapt to the screen. I don’t fault Kubrick for straying from the source material; I fault him for not taking the opportunity to craft a better story to accompany the fantastic visuals and stellar performances.

`If Kubrick had a weakness as a director, it was that he was too devoted to the visual side of the medium, ignoring the narrative. He often forgot that the visuals are there to tell a story, and that it would be nice if, occasionally, that story had a bit of cohesion to it. To me, Kubrick’s best films are those that have strong stories to tell—Spartacus, Dr. Strangelove, Full Metal Jacket. But all too often Kubrick ignored the story in search of the perfect image—and did both the material and his audience a disservice. I don’t blame Kubrick for The Shining being a bad movie, because it isn’t. I blame him because it isn’t a better one.

    Tom Cruise killed the Universal Monsters: no, I don’t mean the monsters we know and love, the ones I watched as a child, the ones from whom I acquired my nom de plume. They still exist, unchanged, unchanging, celluloid friends of more than fifty years standing, and we frequently renew that friendship. I’m referring of course to Universal’s abortive attempt to launch their “Dark Universe” franchise several years ago.

    I have previously discussed the Dark Universe’s failure in depth in this column; it isn’t my intent to rehash that now. Nor do I consider that failure to be in any way controversial; Universal simply put out a bad product that not even the diehard fans could get behind—myself included. I’ve seen many explanations and excuses for why the franchise failed, most involving poor decisions on Universal’s part, decisions that left their Horror franchise almost completely devoid of Horror. But I have seldom seen any mention of what I feel is the poor decision from which all the others sprang—their insistence on a major star, namely Tom Cruise, to headline 2017’s The Mummy.

    I have nothing against Cruise as an actor; as an action star, he’s top-notch. Top Gun, the Mission: Impossible movies, Jack Reacher—all show that he knows Action films, and is money in the bank when headlining them. But his experience with Horror is limited to 1994’s Interview with the Vampire—hardly a recommendation. If Universal’s intention had been to create an Action film franchise, then Cruise was an excellent choice. But this was meant to be a Horror franchise, not Action. Casting Cruise as the lead made it an Action film. Universal didn’t need Tom Cruise, they needed a solid actor who could carry a Horror film. But they got Cruise, and he killed the Dark Universe.

    We need the return of Exploitation Horror: do you remember, if you’re at a similar age as the Unimonster, how Horror movies used to be fun? No agenda, other than selling tickets. No message, other than “hey, come see our movie.” These were the movies that defined “gratuitous” to a generation of moviegoers. These are the movies that Joe Bob Briggs speaks of when he references the three B’s of Drive-In Movies—“Blood, Breasts, & Beasts.” They are Two Thousand Maniacs, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Basket Case, and Friday the 13^th. And they are the movies that made many of us devoted Horror fans.

    I understand that times have changed, though not all of us have followed suit. And I’m not militating for a return to the ‘70s and ‘80s … well, not entirely. I wouldn’t mind having a heart-to-heart with the twenty-year-old Unimonster though, regarding the excessive consumption of Mountain Dew, purchasing stock in a little start-up called Apple, and the addictive qualities of Rubenesque Redheads. In terms of the movies, however, I just want them to be fun again. The last remake I saw that I thought was a really fun, really enjoyable movie was 2013’s Evil Dead. Was it a great film? No, of course not. But I don’t want great films all the time. There are Horror films that are great cinematic achievements, and when I want to watch a great movie, I will watch one of them.

    But sometimes I just want to watch something fun, something that lets me switch off the brain, relax, and enjoy. I want something that doesn’t scream the filmmaker’s point of view at me, or castigate me over my race, sex, religion, or how I vote. I want the Drive-In movies I grew up watching, and which went a long way in making me the Unimonster. I want what Joe Bob so eloquently told us is the foundational bedrock of the Drive-In experience. I want Blood, Breasts, and Beasts.