CREATURE FEATURE RUBS ELBOWS WITH HEF RENFIELD AND DITA DIRT NAP VISIT: “THE PLAYBOY JAZZ FESTIVAL”

Ok. Well, not really.

Hugh Hefner talked about ‘Bride of Frankenstein’ being his favorite horror film.  Tiffany Shepis appeared in PLAYBOY magazine.

Ok, that’s two reasons to go, not to mention some ‘living’ platinum dolls that looked more like the paid mistresses next door than the GIRLS NEXT DOOR.

Anyway, THE PLAYBOY JAZZ FESTIVAL is one of the most watched events at the Hollywood Bowl every late Spring. Since Dita was on her way to being a bride, Renfield decided to take another 3000 mile hike to her mansion in the Hollywood Haunted Hills. I needed a partner in crime to help me stakeout the festivities in style. That, and uh, I needed a ravishing blonde to fit in.

After flashing 300 dollars at her bodyguard, he cleared the way and I, with the Sewage Mobile, entered Dita’s driveway, seeing poison oak almost everywhere and a small grotto complete with man eating crocodile. I thought this girl must have been really preparing for me when she got wind that I was in town. Without thinking, I pressed the doorbell and ducked. A heavy boulder came within inches of crushing me and as I looked at it, I smiled.

SHE DOES REMEMBER ME!

Dita opened the door and asked politely, with a growl, what I was doing there. I told her I wanted to celebrate her future plans by taking her to a jazz festival. When she heard that Hefner was going to be there, she literally leaped into my arms and waved the keys to her limo directly into my face. I had to be the driver.

Hey, better than nothing I say. After all, she gets 100 times more fan mail than I ever could.

When we got to the Bowl, people went nuts when they saw Dita slip out of the car tightly wound in a satin number. Men arrived in droves asking for autographs with me having to explain to their wives just who this ‘Dita’ girl was. Needless to say I got hammered a zillion times with overloaded pocketbooks.

Dita said I nearly embarrassed her entrance as she signed another zillion napkins. There was such a crowd around her that I was beginning to wonder if Bill Cosby (the emcee) was going to start the show in front of a no-show audience. Luckily after everything settled down, we all took our seats.

The view was spectacular. We had a box seating arrangement with dead ivy in glass jars that ol’ Dita brought with her. She said they needed some air. Upon looking closely, I saw those things resembled Venus fly traps.

Many of the performers were spot on, as this was like “PLAYBOY AFTER DARK” without the talk. Two very welcome additions were songstress Hiromi and jazz masters R and R.

Dita seemed to be getting a little sick of the sunlight, like most horror hosts of her breeding so I let her wander around outside the entrance to the stage.

By this time, I had taken in plenty of the sounds and they really made me feel as if Woodstock had come back. People were actually sharing food and liquor and no one was screaming. Oh my god, his lordship blesses us one day a year!

As I was ready to leave, and this was precisely 11 PM, I looked for my comrade, and upon seeing no one with her description I remembered that I let her wander. Suddenly, I remembered this was Dita Dirt Nap I am talking about and hurriedly leapt back to the side of the stage. I should have known she would try this. There, among 6 infuriated looking Playmates, I found our Dita charming the pants off of the Hefster himself. She was literally trying to get him drunk while hissing at Holly to be silent. Before she could raise any hell, I immediately grabbed her and hauled Miss Dita away over my shoulder. While she screamed and kicked, I smiled back at a frazzled Hef and his poster gals didn’t seem the least bit amused. Frankly, I came for the music only so I really didn’t care one way or another and left it at that.

Did I mention I got another black eye from her majesty as I opened her limo door?

We said our good nights and as I trekked back 3000 miles, I wondered what my boss was going to say. Here I was with one eye still healing and another bruised. I would certainly be the fool again, but luckily the Count was talking to the TombKeeper about leaving Cheetos all over the dungeon floor, so I rushed quickly to my cell.

Here are a few pics I took.

Above are HEF’S GALS. DITA hated Holly teaming with Hef (at far right).

R and R- The biggest show stealers!

Creature Feature © D. Dyszel 2008

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