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10th Anniversary!
Holy old vampires! Yes, it’s the anniversary roast show, and I’m sure by now, all of you have seen Gore ‘react’ to the video roast from hosts from all over the country.
No doubt many of you enjoyed the fun that was poked at Gore by the hosts and no doubt even more of you are saying, “Who are these people?”
Like Gore all these Horror Hosts are important and valued and treasured. Just like the last Twinkie in the box…or the last swig of beer at the bottom of a can at a drive-in showing an all-night Ted V. Mikes marathon and you’re sad when it’s gone because you know you’ll need more beer before The Doll Squad begins.
(Ahem)
But the time for laughter and celebration has stopped.
It’s truth time. As much as Gore doesn’t want me to say this…I cannot let this farce continue.
Let me star by saying that Count Gore is important to the tiny little niche genre of freaks and weirdoes in make up. To all those who grew up with the man in Washington, to all his new legions of fans via the Internet, and to those whom he owes money and child support, he is important.
His appeal is legendary right? His ‘look’ is also legendary but some would describe his look and style and character as un-imaginative. He is just doing a Dracula impersonation right?
NO. Not at all…and the DEVIL is in the details.
Let’s examine the differences, and in doing so, I will reveal the deepest darkest secret of the Legendary Count Gore De Vol.
Dracula- black red lined cape…Gore, check.
Dracula- Tuxedo with bow tie…Gore, check.
Dracula- thick accent and jet-black hair in a widow’s peak…Gore- check and check.
But the THE THING that makes Gore unique, the thing that makes Gore a host among hosts…the thing that makes him a Shiner Bock as opposed to a Schlitz at that drive in showing a Ted V. Mikels Marathon…
Ladies and Gentlemen, I present the real reason Gore has lasted as long as he has and why he is so loved and respected and adored…
Forget about Count Gore De Vol. I want to introduce you all to the REAL HOST of Creature Features…
Jake.
Jake is the name of Count Gore’s Mustache.
Jake is the crowning touch; the symbiotic parasite that guides Gore and moves his upper lip so that he can speak…Jake is Gore’s brain, stomach, sex organ and his soul!
Got a favorite Gore moment? Thank Jake.
Was Gore a success without Jake? No…no he wasn’t.
Got an Autographed picture of Gore? Jake signed it.
Are you a female that Gore has necked? Think about it. Jake does all the work!
I first met Jake at the Cinema Wasteland convention. I helped Gore load in some things to his hotel room. While I was thrilled to meet the legendary Count Gore and enjoyed his presence greatly, Jake caught my eye.
Suddenly I could not take my eyes off him. As Gore talked and laughed and joked and smiled, Jake was leering at me. I say Jake in control, and what’s worse, I knew in that horrible moment, that Jake saw ME…and knew that I KNEW.
Jake’s also a raging alcoholic and an attention whore. Jake despises all other horror hosts and pulls Gore’s lips into a sneer whenever he hears about another host.
Jake has called me late at night, rambling and high on more than liquor. Cursing and paranoid, he has accused me and other hosts of sins and transgressions imagined against it. He’s dangerous and he might be insane.
Jake is also wanted for murder.
Jake owns a farm in Kansas.
Jake has a pet tick that he keeps with him at all times.
Jake is a bastard.
Poor Gore really doesn’t have much of a choice or say so in which direction his life goes. He is lead like a sheep by his mustache…by his master… by Jake.
So celebrate Gore’s 10th anniversary if you will…I will celebrate Jake with fear and respect.
At Gore’s 20th anniversary, guess who’ll be there. Jake.
For without Jake, Gore would still be Captain 20. And I now know this is true.
Sorry Gore.
Jake, please don’t kill me.
With respect,
Prof. Anton Griffin
http://www.midnightshadowshow.com
You can email him with questions and comments at: profgriffin@hotmail.com
And don't forget about his new book! It's full of essays like the one above!
Creature Feature © D. Dyszel 2008
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